Best Jokes

Bob had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. After a few weeks of this, his boss was mad and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night's sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.

"Boss," he said, "the pill my doctor subscribed me actually worked!"

"That's all fine," said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

My mother says she never holds grudges but then will blindside you with something that happened years ago.

Last week she said, "You know, you really hurt me on your birthday."

And I was like, "Which birthday was that?"

So she replied, "The first one. You have a really big head, you know."

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon?

It’s not the end of the world.

Anybody who's busy pulling on the oars hasn't got time to rock the boat.