Best Jokes

A man walks into a pub, and approaches the bar. He orders a pint and looks down to see a bowl of peanuts on the counter. He decides to eat one, when he picks it up and goes to put it in his mouth the peanut says, "Hello handsome!"

So he puts the peanut down in astonishment. He decides to try one more time and yet again the peanut talks, "Oh you are gorgeous!"

Well as you can imagine he was really stunned. He then decides to go over to buy some cigarettes from the dispenser. He drops money in the machine and it spits it out and tells him, "Go away ugly!"

This really shocked the man so he goes up to the barman and says, "Why is it that when I pick up the peanuts from the bar they are really nice to me, yet when I try to get some cigarettes from the machine it tells me I'm ugly?"

"Well," the barman begins, "the peanuts are complimentary and the cigarette machine is out of order!"

Q: What did the CEO from Arthur Anderson tell the Senate committee when asked about "cooking" Enron's books?
A: "It's Shake-n-Bake and I helped!"

The National Game warden put out a warning to all hikers in his area. Warning that they should wear small bells on their boots so not to startle the bears. To distinguish the grizzly bear the notice read-- small bears droppings are small with nut and berries in it. Grizzly bear droppings are much larger with nuts and berries and little tiny bells in it.

A man walks into his local butcher's shop and complains about the leg of lamb that he had previously bought, when I cooked it the joint had shrunk so much it went from 12 inches long to only 4-inches. The butcher said to the man that’s funny my wife knitted me a sweater and when she washed it, it was also 4-inches in length, what’s your sweater got to do with my leg of lamb asked the man, the butcher replied well they both must have come from the same sheep.