Studies have shown that married men live longer than single men...
So if you want a longer life, and a slower death, just get married.
The other day I was in a hurry to go outside...
In my haste I ran into the screen door and strained myself!
I was sitting at the counter of a restaurant when a gentleman sat in the seat beside me. I watched as he ordered a cup of coffee and put about fifteen spoonful's of sugar in it.
He took a sip without stirring it. I remarked, "You didn't stir your coffee."
He said, "I know, I don't like it sweet."
One day in basic training the drill sergeant came out and said, "I need two volunteers for garbage duty."
When no one spoke up the drill sergeant pointed to two privates and said, "Okay, you and you!"
One of the privates said, "But I didn't volunteer?"
"Were you drafted?" the drill sergeant asked.
"No," said the private.
The drill sergeant smiled and said, "That's right, you volunteered."