My father said, "Marry a girl who has the same beliefs as the family."
I said, "Dad, why would I marry a girl who thinks I'm a schmuck?"
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
And, my very favorite....
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.
My mother-in-law is coming...
I had to clear out half my closet so she could have a place to hang upside down and sleep.
A reporter covering the Iowa State Legislature proceedings wore light summer shoes on a day when it snowed.
The following day, a pleasant dry one, he wore overshoes. A legislator asked him about it.
“It’s the effect of being around government,” he replied. “I am now prepared for yesterday.”