Yesterday my spouse was berating me for checking my email all day as I work from home.
"You know," she complained, "I think that work rules your life."
"No dear," I replied, "you rule my life... I just prefer work."
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again.
MAN, I sure am LUCKY!
I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!!!
They told me, "Follow your dreams..."
So I went back to bed.
A robber breaks into a house and ties up the woman and man.
The robber asks where the jewels are and the guy responds with: "I'll give you everything! Please, let her go..."
Robber: "I only care about the jewels! I won't hurt you if you give me what I want..."
Guy: "I BEG you, let her go!"
Robber: "Wow, you must really love your wife..."
Guy: "What? Oh no, my wife is about to get home!"