Latest Jokes

One day a man walked into a bar with a peanut and a banjo. He set the banjo on the table and the banjo said, "Give me your strongest bottle of tequila."
"Wow, can I buy that banjo from you?" The bartender said.
"Well, sure, but it has to be around two thousand dollars."
The man sold the banjo and the man next to him said, "You, idiot, you could have gotten millions!"
"No I couldn't, it was actually my ventriloquist peanut that said that!"

If Restaurants Functioned Like ...
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support.
Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using? Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day changes every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the check. I'm running late now.
[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir, the soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . . .$5.00
Fly Feature. . . . . . . . . . . . . . no charge
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . .$2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1.00

A kid was home alone when the phone rang. He picked it up and heard, "Bloody fingers two houses away." The kid ran up to his room. The phone rang again, and the kid picked it up and heard, "Bloody fingers next door." This time the kid ran up to his room and got under the covers of his bed. The doorbell rang, the kid opened the door, and the man at the door said, "Hey! Got a Band-Aid?"

Question: What do you call a dog with no front or back legs?
Answer: He's not going to come -- why waste your time?