Father is giving his son some life advice.
Father: “If you want to be a good man, you must be honest and cautious in life.”
Son: “And what does that mean?”
Father: “You must fulfill everything you’ve promised.”
Son: “And cautious?”
Father: “Never make any promises.”
I thought there was something wrong with my pedometer app.
It thought there was something wrong with me.
It asked me if I had died.
Lately my wife looks at me like I’m just a piece of meat...
And it wouldn’t bother me if she wasn’t a vegan.
My teenage son asked me if I ever fell in love with a high school teacher.
"In fact, I did. She was gorgeous! I couldn't take my eyes off of her... I dreamt of a life together with her day and night."
"Wow! What happened with that, dad?" he excitedly asked.
"Your mom moved you to another school."