A young girl asked her father if all fairy tales begin with "Once Upon A Time?"

"No," he replied. "A whole lot of them begin with 'If elected, I promise ...'"

Nurse: Your blood pressure is amazingly high. Is your job very stressful?

Patient: Well, I work at a petting zoo.

Nurse: That seems easy enough.

Patient: I determine which animals are too vicious to be petted.

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained.

"He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts."

"He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a Dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: We Dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?