Favorite this joke 5. In the middle of smoking a cigarette, you pause for a "cigarette break."
4. Cracking your knuckles leaves you winded.
3. Morning schedule: Wake up, cough for three hours, take nap.
2. In your neighborhood, they give directions by saying, "Go down to the big pile of cigarette butts..."
1. You explain to the nurse that you didn't realize you were in a "non-smoking" iron lung.
A professor of clinical psychology at Victoria University in Wellington, New Zealand, included a lecture on crowd psychology in his annual course. To illustrate mass hysteria, he regularly showed TV news footage of teenage crowds greeting the Beatles at the local airport in the 1960's.
One year, when he ran the footage, he heard squeals and bursts of laughter from his students. When the film ended he asked what had caused the hilarity.
Replied one student, "We recognized some of our mothers!"
Captain Hook, Captain Crunch, and Captain America walk into a bar. Hook says, "Ahoy mates, I'll buy the first round. Just let me go to the bathroom real quick."
The others wait and when Hook comes back Captain America asks, "Hey Hook, how bout those drinks?"
Hook yells, "Shove it up yer stars and stripes, ya flag waving boy scout!"
America turns to Crunch, "Why's he suddenly so irate?"
Crunch says, "Well, that's what happens when you take the P out of a pirate."
There's quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn't begin at 40. That's a big fat lie.
My hair's getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.
I smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.
When asked of my past, every detail I'll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?
Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
I'm off to read the obituary like I do every day;
If my names not there, I'll once again start -
Perfecting the art of falling apart.
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