Billy: I asked my dog three questions and he got two of them right.
Trevor: What three questions?
Billy: I asked what covers a tree and he said bark. I asked him what the texture of bark is and he said ruff. I then asked him if he knew what the winning lottery numbers are next Saturday night?
Trevor: He missed the lottery number question right?
Billy: I don't know, I'll tell you on Sunday.
Mr. Jones: Doc, I can't sleep.
Doctor: You used to count sheep and told me it worked. Any idea why the sheep counting method quit working?
Mr. Jones: When I count the sheep now they're shivering and it's upsetting.
Doctor: When did this problem start?
Mr. Jones: Right after I bought a very warm wool blanket.
My wife and I went to the dog park yesterday. There was an elderly lady trying to coax her resistant toy poodle to come to her.
Being one that doesn’t mind helping others I picked up the little critter and passed it over to her.
She scowled at me and scurried off. I mentioned to my wife the lady wasn’t very grateful.
My wife replied by saying, “Perhaps you shouldn’t have used the pooper scooper.”
In the aftermath of a recent hurricane a neighbor reported a man trying to break open an ATM in his back yard resulting in his arrest.
Judge: What do you have to say for yourself sir?
Defendant: The hurricane dropped the ATM in my back yard. The only reason I was trying to open it was to locate a serial number so I could find the owner?
Judge: What about the other five ATM’s the police found in your garage?
Defendant: Well, your honor, it’s been a bad hurricane season this year.