Buy a dog a toy and the dog will play with it forever...

Buy a cat a toy and the cat will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.

The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?"

"How should I know?" the man answers, "I'm not a lawyer!"

My wife claims I'm a baseball fanatic. She says all I ever read about is baseball. All I ever talk about is baseball. All I ever think about is baseball.

I told her she's way off base!

Irony: The opposite of wrinkly