I used to be a mime...

It's only now that I can talk about it.

Oakland Raiders football practice was delayed on Monday for nearly two hours. One of the players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious-looking, unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.

Practice was immediately suspended while the Drug Enforcement Agency was called in to investigate.

After a complete field analysis, the DEA determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed when the DEA agents decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.

Old Jacob Johnson, raging hypochondriac, was convinced that the pain on his left side was appendicitis.

Mrs. Johnson explained that the appendix is on the right side.

"So, aha! THAT's why it hurts to much." said Jacob. "My appendix is on the wrong side!"

Q: If you're stranded on a desert island, what 3 things would you most want to have?

A: Michael Phelps, a saddle, and a gold medal on a stick.