I quit my job at the helium gas factory...

I didn't like being spoken to in that tone of voice.

On my birthday I got a really funny card. It joked about how our bodies might be getting older, but our minds remain "tarp as shacks."

I wanted to thank the person who sent it, but I can't. They forgot to sign the card.

During a test, the college professor noticed that a married student, who was quite pregnant, kept rubbing her side. After class, before she left, the teacher asked her, "Are you okay? I noticed you were holding onto your side."

"Oh, I'm fine," the student answered. "It's just that my baby was pushing his foot up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little."

"Well, that's good," the professor said, feeling relieved.

"Yes," she continued. "It's strange. He normally sleeps during your class too."

*Just one peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn't do it anymore.
*Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.
*The average 10-year-old doesn't have a clue who Bo and Luke Duke are.
*Being bad is no longer cool.

*You have friends who have kids.
*Saturday mornings are for sleeping.
*You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's Playland.
*Your parents' jokes are now funny.

*You once said, "What-chu talkin' 'bout Willis?" or "Know whatta mean, Vern?"
*You have owned, and since disowned, Michael Jackson's "Thriller."
*You would rather wear your dirty clothes again, cuz mom is not there to do your laundry anymore.
*Naps are good.

*You once deemed Space Invaders as "The best game ever."
*When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"
*You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen.
*You leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd.

*You want clothes for Christmas.
*You don't want a Camaro because of the insurance premiums.
*You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience store, wonder who that guy is standing at the counter with the bald spot, and then realize it's a shot of you from behind.