How can you lift an elephant with one hand?

Let's be real here, you are never going to find an elephant that has only one hand!

My girlfriend called me as she was driving to an appointment. I could tell from her voice that she was getting frustrated. She said, "I know I had my cell phone with me, but now I can't find it!"

I replied, "Aren't you talking on it?"

There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality of the situation sank in, followed by, "You are NOT going to tell anybody about this!"

How can a man go eight days without sleeping?

Easily, he sleeps at night.

What looks like half an apple?

The other half.