After suffering through years of his wife’s awful coffee, the man spit it out and took the coffee maker to his lawyer. Dropping it on the attorney’s desk, the man snarled, “Here they are!”

“Here are what?” the startled lawyer asked.

“Grounds for divorce.”

After being arrested for robbery, Quinn hired the best lawyer in town.
“Look,” the crook said, “I’ve got nearly a million in cash in my bank box.
Can you get me off?”
The lawyer said, “Believe me, pal, you will never go to prison with that kind of money.”
And sure enough, he did not. He went to prison flat broke.

The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good news Private Peters will be setting the pace on our morning run.”

With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Peters was overweight and terribly slow. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the bad news. Private Peters will be driving a truck."

Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
The survivors were marooned.