I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory...
They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The cashier says: "You must be single?”
The man replied: “Wow how did you know that?”
Cashier: “Because you’re not that good looking.”
I built a model of Mount Everest.
My son asked, “Is it to scale?”
I replied, “No... it’s to look at.”
Wife: "I'm pregnant...."
Dad: "Hi pregnant, I’m dad!"
Wife: "No, no you’re not."