misc jokes

“Young woman,” said the judge, “this court is going to see to it that you receive one thousand dollars a month in alimony.
“Thanks,” the husband spoke up, “and I’ll try to give her a few bucks myself.”

The nurse burst into the doctor’s office. “Doctor! She yelled, “you just gave a clean bill of health to Mr. Smith and … and he dropped dead right outside the door!”
The doctor jumped into action. “Quick,” he said, “We’ve got to turn him around so it looks like he was just coming in!”

“I’ll have you know,” said the snob to his date, “my father is a famous man in this town.
He’s a Lion...a Moose…and an Elk.”
“Wow!” said his date, “and what do you charge to see him?”

The bum approached the well-dressed man. “Say, pal, could you spare ten bucks for a soft drink?”
“Ten dollars!” the man exclaimed. “Listen my dear fellow, not even in this city will you find
a place that charges so much for a soda.”
I know, said the panhandler, “but it’s my girlfriend’s birthday and I wanted to knock off early.”