misc jokes

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop-N-Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Known to friends as Brown-n-serve. Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player. 
Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy. 
The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded." 
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes - conned by those who buttered him up. Still, even as crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. 
Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven. 
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes. 

One rainy day at work, one of my colleagues, Thomas, came across from the other side of the building to ours. Just to start a conversation, another colleague, Peggy, asked, "Is it raining heavily outside?" Without any expression, Thomas said, "Sorry, I did not carry a weighing machine." 

Q: Why couldn't the animals on Noah's Ark play cards?
A: Because Noah was standing on the deck!

An Antartian died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer three questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T". 
2. How many seconds are in a year? 
3. What is God's first name?

The Antartian thought for a few minutes and answered... 

1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow. 
2. There are 12 seconds in a year. 
3. God has two first names, and they are Andy and Howard." 

Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct.
But how did you get 12 seconds in a year, and why did you ever think that God's first name was either Andy or Howard?"

The Antartian replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd, etc...." 
"OK, I give," said Saint Peter, "but what about the God's first name stuff?"
The Antartian said, "Well, from the song....Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own..., and the prayer...Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...."
Saint Peter let him in without another word.