misc jokes

What is in the beginning of eternity and at the end of time and space?
The letter e

An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate:
1. His Doctor
2. His Priest
3. His Lawyer.
He said, "Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So, I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave." After the man passed on, the three people happened to run into each other. The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money. He owed me from lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested. "The Priest said, "I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. It’s all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave." Well the Lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing! "I am surprised at you two for taking advantage of him like that. I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it all in!!!"

Mr. Smith and his son Rick were called to Mrs. Liventhal's classroom.

"Mr. Smith," said the teacher, "I asked Rick 'Who shot Abraham Lincoln?' and he said that he didn't do it!"

"Well, teacher," said Smith, "if my kid said he didn't do it -- he didn't do it!"

Father and son left the school, and on their way home, Smith turned to the boy and asked, "Tell me, son, did you do it?"

A bear walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The barman says, "Sorry, but we don't serve beers to bears in this bar."
The bear bangs on the bar. The barman says, "Sorry, but we don't serve beers to bears in this bar, especially not bears who bang on bars."
The bear grabs a passing barmaid and bashes her. The barman says, "Sorry, but we don't serve beer to bears in this bar, especially not bears that bang on bars and bash barmaids."
The bear bellows at the other barman to bring him a beer. The barman says, "Sorry, but we don't serve beer to bears, especially bears that bang on bars, bash barmaids and bellow at barmen."
In exasperation the bear bites the bar. The barman says, "Sorry, but we don't serve bears that are on drugs."
"On drugs?" the bear says. The barman says, "Yes. I saw that bar-bit-u-ate."