Best Jokes

My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any. So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"

The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."

Having a rough day?

Just in case you've had a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world,".
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.
8. See, you're smiling already.

An Elderly couple was celebrating their 60th anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally.'

On their way back home , a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money: fifty-thousand dollars!

Andy said, "We've got to give it back,"

Sally said, "Finders keepers."

So she put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money and knocked on the door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here...."

The frugal man walked into the house panting and almost completely exhausted. “What happened, Honey?” asked his wife.

“It’s a great new idea I have,” he gasped. “I ran all the way home behind the bus and saved $1.50 cents.”

“That wasn’t too smart,” replied his wife. “Why didn’t you run behind a taxi and save ten dollars?”