Best Jokes

Once, in a bar, one guy leaned over and said to the guy sitting next to him, "I slept with your mom last night."

The whole bar turned to see what would happen next. After a while, the guy laughs and says, "Let's go home, Dad, you are drunk."

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.

On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good, either.

On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stands in the draft.

"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."

"I know," said his physician, "I can cure pneumonia."

Little Johnny was in school one day when the teacher brought around apples for snack time. "Here, Little Johnny, have an apple."

"I don't freakin' want one," declared Johnny.

The teacher was shocked. She called Little Johnny's mother and scheduled her to come in for a meeting the next day. When Little Johnny's mother arrived, the teacher had her hide behind the curtain until snack time came around. As she came to Little Johnny, she again told him, "Here Little Johnny. It's time for your apple."

"I don't freakin' want one," stated Little Johnny again.

The teacher pulled aside the curtain and said to his mother, "See? Did you hear what he said?"

"So?" said his mother, "Don't freakin' give him one."

A friend of mine is a deputy with the sheriff's department canine unit. One evening, the deputy was dispatched to the scene of a possible burglary, where he discovered the back door of a building ajar. He let the dog out his patrol car and commanded it to enter and seek.

Jumping from the back seat, the dog headed for the building. After lunging through the doorway, the dog froze and backed out. My friend was puzzled until he investigated further.

Then he noticed the sign on the building: "Veterinarian's Office."