Best Jokes

The old pastor made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name.

They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad raised his hand and said, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."

A woman goes to the doctor's and says, "Doctor, Doctor, you have to help me. Every time I go to the bathroom, DIMES come out!"

The doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week. A week later the woman returns and says, "Doctor, Doctor, it's gotten worse! Every time I go to the bathroom, QUARTERS come out!! What's wrong with me?"

Again the doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week. Another week passes and the woman returns and yells, "Doctor, Doctor, I'm still not getting better! Every time I go to the bathroom, HALF-DOLLARS come out! WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?!!"

The doctor says, "Relax, Relax,... you're just going through your change!"

Two men are discussing their love lives. One says, "I’m getting married. I’m sick of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear."

The other one says, "Hey, I’m getting divorced for the same reasons."

If you can start the day without caffeine or pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and telling people your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

THEN YOU MUST BE THE FAMILY DOG!!!