I had an uncle who was allergic to cotton...
He got some pills for the condition but couldn't get them out of the bottle.
You know you're old when you wake up in the morning and the first thing you see is your teeth smiling at you while in a glass on you're bedside night table.
(Grandpa) "Honey did you know that kids these days don't put their tooth under the pillow for the tooth fairy? What they do is take a digital image and upload it to the toothfairy website they then get paid in bit coins."
(Grandma) "Dear, you've been talking to your grandson again and he's pulling your leg."
(Grandpa) "Billy, why would you make up a story about the tooth fairy?"
(Grandson) "Let me get this straight... you make up a story about a fictitious character, you then tell it to my parents who perpetuate the hoax. I decided to elaborate on it and you're calling me out!"
My Irish mother-in-law gave me an “Irish Blessing” just before my wife and I went on vacation.
I’d feel better about the “may the wind be at your back” thing if we weren’t going to the Grand Canyon this year.