Latest Jokes

Why do they call going to the bathroom "taking a dump" when you're actually giving it and not taking it?

Three students all have dinner together, a sophisticate, a vulgarian, and a foreigner. They return to their shared dorm rooms that night and when they wake up in the morning they all have painful gas. The sophisticate says,

"Zounds! I just broke wind with such intense vigor my anus hurt!"

The vulgarian says,

"Crap, dude! That fart hurt my butt-hole!"

The foreigner who would have understood,

"Wow, stinky pain!" tries to fit in by saying,

"Broke fart intense butt-hole!"

A lawyer married a woman who had previously been married ten times. On their wedding night, as they settled into the hotel bridal suite, she said to her new husband, "Please, promise to be gentle. I'm still a virgin."

Puzzled as to how this could be possible, he asked, "How can that be if you've already been married ten times?"

His bride explained...

"Husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he spent our entire marriage telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function but promised to look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; although he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; while he understood the basic process, he said he needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he knew how, but just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had the product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God, how I miss him!

'But, now that I've married you, I'm really excited'!"

"Good, by why is that?" asked the new husband.

"You're a lawyer! I know I'm going to get screwed this time!" she replied.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)

A backwards poet writes inverse.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

If a clock is hungry does it go back four seconds?

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, will you get repossessed?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Without geometry, life is pointless.