"Don't be afraid of the dog," said the lady to Little Johnny, who was delivering her groceries.

"You know the old proverb, 'A barking dog never bites?'"

"Yes," replied Little Johnny. "You know the proverb. I know the proverb. But does your dog know the proverb?"

I found a way to make a horse stand perfectly still...

Place a bet on them!

After many years of marriage, a husband turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Gooney bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Gooney bird! The table!"

Immediately, the Gooney bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Gooney bird! The shelf!"

Again the Gooney bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.

"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.

When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Gooney bird!"

The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Gooney Bird, my foot!"