A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"

"Doctor, what's going on?" asked the concerned father-to-be.

"Don't worry," said the doctor, "those are just contractions."

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?"

"You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist.

"That's it! I can never remember that word."

"Suppose," says the old salt of a sea captain, testing his new recruit, "that a sudden storm springs up on your starboard side. What would you do?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir," says the new sailor.

"And what would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir," the raw recruit replies.

"Now," says the captain, "a storm springs up forward of the ship. What would you do this time?"

"Throw out another anchor, Captain."

"Hold on, hold on. Where are you getting all these anchors from?"

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir," replied the new recruit.

He got to keep his job.

What is it called when a chameleon can't change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction.