Her: What do you do?
Me: I race cars.
Her: Do you win many races?
Me: Not really, the cars are much faster.
Officer: "Why should you be released early?"
Man: "I’m..."
Officer: "Go on..."
Man: "I think..."
Officer: "Yes?"
Man: "Can I please finish my sentence?"
Officer: "Sure, if that's what you really want. Parole denied."
My wife is incredibly smart.
When I called her from my buddy’s phone she answered, “Hey love!”
She already knew it was me.
Interviewer: "How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?"
Me: "That’s when I went to Yale..."
Interviewer: "That’s impressive. You are hired."
Me: "Thanks. I really need this yob."