Guy tells his wife: For your birthday, how about a new car?
Wife: No.
Guy: How about a new boat?
Wife: No.
Guy: Well then, what do you want?
Wife: I want a divorce.
Guy: I wasn’t planning on spending that much money.
Father: Little Johnny, I see by your report card that you are not doing well in history. How come?
Little Johnny: I can’t help it. The teacher always asks me about things that happened before I was born.
I've started a new exercise program.
I do twenty sit-ups every morning.
That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that SNOOZE button just so many times...
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall...
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall...
All the king's horses and all the king's men...
Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.