misc jokes

I rear-ended another car this morning. I tell you, I knew right then and there that it was going to be a really bad day.
The driver got out of the other car, and wouldn't you know it!
He was a dwarf!! He looked up at me and said, "I am 'Not Happy.'
So I said, "Well, then, which one are you?"

And, that's how the fight started.

Tony was a pianist and was practicing late one night. There was a tap on the door, when he opened it his landlord was standing outside the door. He asked; “do you know there is a sick lady upstairs?"
Tony answered, “no, I haven’t heard that song. Can you please hum it a little?"

A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman.
She takes one look at him. “You, sir, are drunk!"
"And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"

A recently hired nurse listened while the doctor was yelling, “Malaria! Chicken pox!
Polio!” the nurse asked another nurse, “why is he going on like that?” The other nurse replied, “Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here.”