Best Jokes

My wife and I went on vacation to a fishing resort. I liked to fish at the crack of dawn. My wife liked to read. One morning I returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. Although my wife wasn't familiar with the lake, she decided to take the boat and enjoy the beautiful morning on the water. So she took the boat out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book. Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside my wife and said, “Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?”

“Reading my book,” my wife replied, “Isn't it obvious?”

“You're in a restricted fishing area,” he informed her.

“But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?”

“Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.”

“If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape,” snapped my irate wife.

“But, I haven't even touched you,” groused the sheriff.

“Yes, that's true,” she replied with a slight smile, “But you do have all the equipment.”

MORAL: Never argue with a redhead.

Yo momma so fat when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number!

When my mother was called for jury duty, she felt confident of her ability to answer the questions asked of prospective jurors. As a young attorney, I had filled her in on what to expect.

Asked about the occupations of family members, Mom answered, "My son is a lawyer."

As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever used the services of an attorney.

"Only to mow my lawn."

A hesitant driver, waiting for a traffic jam to clear, came to a complete stop on the freeway ramp. Traffic thinned, but the driver still waited.

Finally, a furious voice from the vehicle behind him cried, “The sign says to yield, not give up!”