Best Jokes

One year, I decided to buy my wife's mother a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, brewing beer, watching TV. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

A man walks into a bar. He gets very drunk and asks the bartender where the restroom is.

The bartender explains it's the third door to the right, but the man goes into the third door to the left. He finds a large golden toilet. The man takes a big poop in it and leaves.

He continues to return to drink there every week, and every time he goes to poop in that golden toilet.

One day he finds the golden toilet is gone, so he asks the bartender about it.

The bartender exclaims, "So you're the one who's been pooping in my tuba!"

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.

The doctor says, “I have some good news and some bad news.”

The man says, “OK, give me the good news first.”

The doctor says, “The good news is, you have 24 hours to live.”

The man replies, “Oh no! If that’s the good news, then what’s the bad news?”

The doctor says, “The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday.”