Best Jokes

On their 25th wedding anniversary, a husband took his wife out to dinner. Their teenage daughters said they'd have dessert waiting for them when they returned.

After the couple got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"

"I suppose," the husband responded, "we could vacuum."

A man was the first to arrive at work one morning. The phone rang and he answered. When the caller asked for some specific information, the man explained that it was before normal business hours but that he would help if he could.

"What's your job there?" the caller asked.

The man replied, "I'm the company president."

There was a pause. Then the caller said, "I'll call back later. I need to talk to someone who knows something about what's going on."

Pro tip: if you add coconut oil to your kale...

It makes it easier to scrape it into the trash.

4 surgeons were discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside them is numbered."

The second responds, "You should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable!"