Best Jokes

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

"You know, love" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is wrinkled, and my body isn't what it used to be." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice, "Well... your eyesight seems to be good."

Two students were arguing when their teacher entered the classroom. The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?”

One boy answers, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher. "When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

Last week our police station was broken into and the commode was stolen from the rest room.

Yesterday the police reported that the investigation is ongoing but they still have nothing to go on.

There was a businesswoman who had just completed a huge development project for an obscenely rich investor. When she was leaving the investor's office he offered her diamonds, rubies and a silver-plated luxury car, but she declined.

The investor insisted, so she said that she just started to golf and maybe a set of golf clubs would be nice.

A few weeks later she received a message from him: "So far I have bought you three golf clubs. I hope you aren't disappointed that only two of them have swimming pools."