Best Jokes

Sign on entrance door to delicatessen:

KNOCKWURST BEFORE ENTERING!

My girlfriend called me as she was driving to an appointment. I could tell from her voice that she was getting frustrated. She said, "I know I had my cell phone with me, but now I can't find it!"

I replied, "Aren't you talking on it?"

There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality of the situation sank in, followed by, "You are NOT going to tell anybody about this!"

A little boy had been pawing over a stationer's stock of greeting cards for some time when a clerk asked, "Just what is it you're looking for? A birthday greeting, message to a sick friend, anniversary or a congratulations to your mom and dad?"

The boy shook his head and answered, "Got anything like a blank report card?"

Husband and wife are having a conversation.

Wife: "​Since we got married, we don't go out anymore and we never go eat at nice restaurants. You are not romantic anymore. You never say sweet things to me anymore."​

Husband: ​(Chuckling)​ "Oh Darling, don't look too much into it. You know I still love you. But have you ever seen a politician campaigning after winning an election?"