Valentine Day sign at the local produce store:
I love you... from my head TO-MA-TOES!
Did you hear about the kidnapping at the laundromat?
He woke up an hour ago.
The commander of an army base had assembled all his troops for an exercise in combat. He told his troops.."When I give the order... fire at will!"
Just then one of the soldiers was seen running away. The commander barked out, "Who is that guy running away?"
"That's Will, sir!"
A science teacher tells his class, "Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773."
A not so bright student responds, "Thank God I was born after 1773! Otherwise I would have died without it."