Latest Jokes

Four men were getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a gentleman walked up to the guy on the tee and handed him a card. It read "I am deaf and dumb. May I please play through?"

The guy says, "Get out of here! Some people use any excuse to get ahead! Go away!"

The deaf and dumb gentleman backed away and waited until the four guys were on their way down the fairway. The original four finally made it to the green, and it was the turn of the guy who yelled at the deaf and dumb gentleman to putt. He was lining it up, when suddenly 'Whack'! He got nailed on the back of the head by a ball and knocked unconscious.

When he woke up he was lying in a hospital bed, and the first person he saw was the deaf and dumb gentleman, holding up FORE fingers.

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one so I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust".

I have gotten that dreaded "furniture disease". My chest is falling into my drawers!

I know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . .write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me... they are cramming for finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

She claims we met at the vegetarian club, but I’d never seen herbivore.

A kid gave his teacher a blank piece of paper.

Teacher: "What is this?"

Kid: "It's a drawing of a cow eating grass."

"Where's the grass?"

"The cow ate all of it."

"Then, where's the cow?"

"It left because there was no more grass."