Latest Jokes

My neighbor was complaining about how bad she needed new tires and how much they cost. I told her to start putting her extra change in a jar with a label reading, "Re-TIRE-ment Fund".

Little Johnny's dad noticed the pet turtle was turning grey and was not going to live much longer. He tried to prepare the boy for the sad event. "Johnny your turtle is not looking so good and he might die. If he does you and I will make a little box for him, invite your friends over and have ice cream, cake, play games, and then bury the turtle under the big tree. Then we will go to the store and get a new turtle."

Dad was satisfied he had done his best and waited for Johnny's response. "Dad," said Johnny after a thoughtful moment, "let's kill it."

Three teenage boys were taking a short cut across a church lawn. In perfect view was a large sign which read: Stay off the Grass.

The caretaker yelled to the boys from the gardening shed, "Hey, can't you read?"

The boys paused, looked at each shrugging. Then one of them looked at the sign, still baffled. He cupped his hands over his mouth to form a loud speaker and yelled back, "So who's smoking?"

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates. The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO."

St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven ... for five days!"