"Believe it or not, but when I see red I'm happy."
"How's that?"
"I sell sunburn remedy."
"Madam, your husband must have absolute rest."
"Well, Doctor, he won't listen to me."
"A very good beginning, madam, a very good beginning."
I never got along well with my dad.
Kids used to come up to me and say, "My dad can beat up your dad."
I'd just say, "Yeah, when?"
Both sides of our family turned out for my wife's college graduation. After the dean finished awarding all the diploma's, he requested, "Will all the 'cum laudes' please stand up?"
My mother-in-law leaned over and whispered, "Wow! The Cum Laude family sure has a lot of kids!"