Latest Jokes

Following an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother, eight noisy and shoving siblings, and I arrived at Rheine-Main Air Base in Germany.

"Do you have any weapons or illegal drugs in your possession?" the customs agent asked my weary mother.

"Sir," she said while separating my brother and me, "if I had either of those items, I would have used them by now."

What do you get if you cross a Ford Taurus with uranium?

A Ford Fusion.

Jake is 5 and learning to read. He points at a picture in a zoo book and says, "Look Mama! It's a frickin' elephant!"

The mom reacts, and takes a deep breath. "What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!"

The mom grabs the book and takes a look. Her son was right, the book read "African Elephant".

An elderly man was sitting on his porch rocking back and forth. He seemed to be having a long discussion with himself. Every once in a while he broke into loud laughter. At other times, he shouted “Phooey” in disgust.

A policeman passing by stopped to watch the man and asked him what was going on. “I’m telling myself jokes,” the old man told him. “And if I say so myself, most of them are funny.”

“Then why do you keep saying ‘phooey’?" the policeman asked.

“I only say that when I heard ‘em before.”