An elderly couple was crossing the Canadian border to go to their winter recluse in Florida. At the crossing they were stopped by an over- zealous border guard, on his first day at work. He commenced to ask the couple a battery of questions.

The husband, on behalf of his almost deaf wife, answered the barrage of queries.

Officer: "Where are you going?"
Husband: "We're on vacation and going to Florida."
Wife: "What did he say? What did he say?"
Husband: "He wants to know where we're going."

Officer: "How long will you be gone?"
Husband: "About one month."
Wife: "What did he say? What did he say?"
Husband: "He wants to know how long we'll be gone."

Officer: "Where are you from?"
Husband: "We're from Toronto, Ontario."
Officer: "Toronto, huh. I was there once. Nice city. Had the worst romantic experience in my life."
Wife: "What did he say? What did he say?"
Husband: "He says he knows you!"

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"

The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"

It's winter time, the gentle breezes blow,
Seventy miles an hour at twenty-five below.

Oh, how I love, when the snow's up to your butt,
You take a breath of winter and your nose gets frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful so I guess I'll hang around...
I could never leave 'cause I'm frozen to the ground!

* Your feet stick to grape jelly on the kitchen floor--and you don't care.

* You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.

* Popsicle's become a food staple.

* Your favorite television show is a cartoon.

* You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on you!

* You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.

* You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.

* You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

* You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

* Your kid throws up and you catch it.

* You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet... you still managed to gain 10 pounds.