The fellow stormed into the postmaster's office in a fury. "I've been getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped."
"Of course," said the postmaster. "Sending threatening letters through the mail is a federal offense. Do you know who's sending them?"
"Yes," shouted the man. "It's those idiots down at the Internal Revenue Service."
A bishop, a judge, and a conductor were discussing their careers and got into an argument about which of them was the greatest.
The judge said, "When I step into the courtroom, everyone stands to pay me respect."
The bishop said, "They stand? I have people kneel before me and kiss my ring."
To which the conductor replied, "Ha! I got you both beat. When I step on the podium people look down, cover their eyes, and say 'Oh my God!'"
I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words.
She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and ultimately I'm perfect!
Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.
Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?
Because DEC 25 = OCT 31