misc jokes

Okay, so a Texan rancher comes upon a farmer from Maine. The Texan looks at the Mainer and asks, "Say, how much land you think you got here?" Mainer: 'Bout 10 acres I'd say." Texan (boasting): Well, on my lot, it takes me all day to drive completely around my property!" Mainer: "Yep, I got one of them trucks too."

A man wanted to prove to a group of alcoholics the effect of alcohol in human body system. He brought two jars; one containing water and the other containing alcohol, along with a very healthy worm. He said to the audience:

"This jar contain water"
He dropped the worm in the jar and said, "Please watch the reaction". The worm swam to the side of the jar and up it floats dangling and swimming.

The man took the worm out of the first jar and put it in the second jar containing alcohol and said to the audience " now watch the reaction" The worm went right down into the water and struggled for survival. There and then every body saw the worm shrinking and dis-integrating, and in one word, died.

The man turned round an asked the audience " what would you all say to this".

After a long silence, someone from the rear stood up and said
" I can see that if I drink alcohol, there will be no more worn in my body".

A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant. The waitress asks, "What will it be?"

The man replied, "a burger and a coke."

"And you?"

"I'll have the same," the ostrich replies. They finish their meal and pay.

"That will be $4.50." The man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact amount. They do this every day till Friday. "The usual?" she asked.

"No, today is Friday. I'll have steak and a coke."

"Me too," says the ostrich.

They finish and pay. "That will be $10.95." The man reached in and pulls out the exact amount again just like all week. The waitress was dumb-founded. "How is it that you always have the exact amount?"

"Well," says the man. "I was cleaning my attic and I found a dusty lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared."

"Wow!" said the waitress. "What did you wish for?"

"I asked that when I needed to pay for something, the exact amount would appear in my pocket."

"Amazing! Most people would ask for a million dollars. But what's with the ostrich?" she asked.

"Well," said the man. "I also asked for a chick with long legs."

Q. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
A. When it’s time to g back to their childhood, they ‘re already there.