misc jokes

Dear Son,

Your Pa has a new job. The first in 48 years. We are a little better, off now, getting $17.96 every Thursday. So we up and thought we'd do a little fixin’ up. We sent to Rosemont and Seasbuck for one of them there bathrooms you hear so much about and it took a plumber to put it in shape.
On one side of the room is a great big long thing, something like the hogs drink out of, only you get in it and wash all over. Over on the other side is a little white thing called a sink, this is for light washing, like face and hands, but over in the other corner we really got something.
There you put one foot in, wash it clean, pull a chain and get fresh water for the other foot. Two lids come with the darn thing and we ain't had any use for them in the bathroom, so I'm using one for a bread board and the other we framed grandmother's picture in.
They were awful nice people to deal with and they sent us a roll of writing paper with it.
Take care of yourself son.

Your Maw

A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.
"What did you do that for?" the man asks.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?"
The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"

A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.
"What did you do that for?" the man asks.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?"
The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"

Dating Rejection form letter
Dear _______________,
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.
I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition: (Check those that apply)
1. ___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
2. ___Your constant emailing, shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!
3. ___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.
4. ___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.
5. ___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
6. ___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
7. ___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.
8. ___You still live with your parents.
9. ___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.
10. ___I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
Sincerely, _________________________________