misc jokes

A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners who was known for being a poor housekeeper. 
When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. "Have these dishes ever been washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime. 
She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them." 
He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside, whistled and yelled, "Here, Soap! Here, Water!" 

Once there was this young who discovered a treasure trove. Amongst the old and valuable things he noticed a worn out lamp. He rubbed the lamp and out came the genie. "Yes master, express your wish", the genie howled. The man said, "Genie get me a grand villa where I can live happily ever after with my girlfriend". The genie looked at the man and said, "Well, if I could make a villa like that, then why the hell do you suppose I live in this stuffy worn out lamp?"

Way to keep healthy level of insanity in the workplace
1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
3. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."
4. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
5. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
6. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
7. Determine how many cups of coffee are "too many."
8. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
10. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
11. When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up."
12. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think?"
13. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a Parakeet.
14. Sit in the parking lot at lunchtime pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
15. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".

A group of college students, none of them too bright, walk into a bar and they seem to be celebrating something. All of them are repeating "32 days, 32 days" with much excitement.

The bartender, being curious, asks, "What's so special about 32 days?"

"Well," one of them said, "We just finished putting a puzzle together. It only took us 32 days and the box said 3-4 years!"