Best Jokes

Two men were playing golf one morning. One of them was on the green preparing to putt when a funeral procession started passing on the road next to the golf course. The man preparing to putt paused from his game and bowed his head respectfully until the procession had passed.

When he finished his putt, his partner remarked, "That was really respectful of you to pause for that funeral procession!"

His buddy replied, "Well, I was married to her for 35 years!"

3 men decided to confess their most intimate secrets about themselves to each other to lessen their load of guilt.

Man #1 said that he had a gambling problem, so every night he would sneak out to go the casino.

Man #2 said that he was a cheater and would cheat at about anything or anyone.

Man #3 said that he was a gossiper and couldn't wait to get back into town to tell everyone about their secrets.

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Harley Davidson motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running."

In the wild wild west, two cowboys are claiming to be the best gunners and decide to hold a contest. An apple is placed on the barmen's head and cowboys have to shoot and hit the target apple at 15 feet distance.

First cowboy stands at 15 feet away, pulls out his gun and shoots the apple successfully hitting the target. So proud of his gun skills, cowboy blows the smoke off the barrel and says, "I am Red Kitt!" Spectators in the bar applaud and congratulate him.

Second cowboy stands up, pulls his gun and shoots the apple and he too successfully hits the target. He blows the smoke away from the barrel of his gun and proudly says, "I am Billy the Kid!" Again everyone applauds and congratulates the cowboy.

A Martian (foreigner) sitting among the spectators thinks he could do just as good, gets up, asks for another apple to be placed on the barmen's head. He stands 15 feet away, pulls his gun, and "bang" he shoots and kills the barmen. Everyone is stunned but within few moments, Martian recollects himself, blows the smoke off the gun barrel and proudly says, "I am sorry!"