I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure.
I said, "No, but I can perform Bohemian Rhapsody!"
I'm no cactus expert...
But I know a prick when I see one.
Who’s the genius that called it a “will” and not a “dead giveaway”?
Joan: "I'm looking for a golden anniversary gift for my husband."
Lisa: "But haven't you only been married fifteen years?"
Joan: "Yes, but it feels like fifty!"