Best Jokes

A Quaker farmer was milking his cow when she switched him in the face with her tail. He patiently said, "Cow, thou shalt not do that."

He kept milking until she kicked and sent the half-filled milk pail tumbling across the barn, spilling and ruining the milk. The farmer went around to face the cow and took her horns in his big, calloused hands.

He looked at her and said, "Cow, thou knowest that I am a Quaker and that I cannot strike thee. But cow, thou also must also remember that I can sell thee."

Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.

During the American Revolution...what did you call a scared and frightened militiaman fleeing down the same road as a British Loyalist?

Chicken catch a Tory!

My Girlfriend told me: "You have nothing but Jokes! Why can't you ever be serious for once! Hey, you could even make a fine husband one day! Hint!"

"Oh, seriously?" I said (thinking I'm not ready for a commitment yet).

She replied, "Of course, I have always dreamed of the fairy tale wedding and having 6 kids just like the Brady Bunch."

So I replied back, "Well, you're right Honey, I do need to take things more seriously. Actually, I was thinking about changing my profession from Delivering Pizzas to being a Famous Writer."

My Girlfriend says, "Now your talking! I know that's not steady money but anything but more jokes!"

So I said back, "Honey, I know how important you want us to get married and have 6 kids like the Brady Bunch. So how does it sound to you if we discuss our future of a Big wedding and lots of kids!"

My Girlfriend says, "Really?" (She blushes and looking very hopeful.)

I said, "Of course! So where to you want us to get married? In Chapter 2 or 3?"