Best Jokes

The magazine about ceiling fans went out of business...

... due to low circulation.

Two zombies were discussing how they were going to go out and satisfy their appetites.

"I think we need to be a little more authoritative and menacing," Zac said. "These potential victims seem to be taking us for granted."

"I don't know about that," replied Hal. "I think a subdued, common sense approach is the better way to go. That way they're more likely to let their guard down."

"I've listened to you take the polite approach when you get the urge to munch on gray matter," countered Zac. "I don't think that gets the job done."

"How so?"

"Well, for one thing, you DON'T ask your victim, 'Can I pick your brain?'"

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: "You do not want to try these techniques at home!"

"Why not?" asked a man from the audience.

"After years of not paying attention, I suddenly noticed my wife's routine at breakfast," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets; often she carried just a single item at a time. So I asked her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once? It'd be much more efficient.'"

"Well, did your suggestions save much time?" the attendee asked.

"Actually, yes," the efficiency expert responded. "It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."

A farmer asked the vet to come out to check on his favorite bull who wasn't doing well at all. After checking the bull's vital signs, the vet reached in his black bag and pulled out a rather large pill.

He forced open the bull's mouth and crammed the pill down his gullet. Suddenly the bull jumped up and took off like a banshee, jumping every fence in his way.

The vet exclaimed, "Well, looks like your bull is healed!"

The farmer replied, "Now give me one of those pills. I've gotta catch him!"