Best Jokes

Did you hear about the vampire bike that went around biting people's arms off?

It was a vicious cycle...

It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet ... nobody was ever married!

Here are the single people that come to mind: Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, the Darlin family, Helen, Thelma Lou and Clara.

In fact, the only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk!

Mama rabbit was having a heck of a time keeping her brood under control. Papa rabbit was already at work at his job in the carrot patch.

"Benji, quiet down and eat your breakfast!" mama yelled.

"I don't want to!"

"Lisa! Quit making a mess of your room. You're making me very angry!"

"I don't care!"

"Lonny, quit chasing that hamster! You're going to knock something over!"

"I'll quit when I catch him!"

Just then the phone rang, and an exasperated mama rabbit answered the phone. "How are things going?" asked papa rabbit.

"Not good," replied mama. "I'm having a bad hare day!"

A pastor told the congregation his desire to lose weight and by declaring it to them he thought it would help him meet his goal. After several weeks of taking another route past his favorite pastry shop he made the mistake of going by it on his way to the church and he showed up with a large box of tasty treats.

"What happened to your diet? asked the head deacon.

"I prayed this morning as I passed my favorite pastry shop that if the Lord wanted me to stop, to give me a sign by having a parking space open right in front of the shop. Sure enough, on the third trip around the shop there indeed opened up a free space."