Best Jokes

The judge asked the defendant to please stand. "You are charged with cutting down a tree without having permission to do so, using a chain saw."

From out in the gallery, a woman shouts, "Lying miser!"

"Silence in the court!" the Judge says. He turns to the defendant and says, "You are also charged with cutting a hedge in a protected area using an electric hedge trimmer."

"You tightwad!" the same woman in the gallery blurted out.

"I said QUIET!" yelled the judge. To the defendant, "You are also charged with using an electric drill outside your house during night hours."

"You good for nothing..." the woman from the gallery yelled.

The judge thundered at the woman: "If you don't tell me right now the reasons for your outbursts I'll hold you in contempt!"

The woman answered, "I've lived beside that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one!"

My husband, an attorney, is frequently consulted by clients who, after learning what the cost of legal services will be, decide to do without his aid.

Recently the elderly minister of a small, struggling church came in with a legal problem.

After patiently listening to an explanation of my husband’s fees, he left the office with a prudent, "Thank you, sir, but I believe I’ll just pray this one through."

A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink. “I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”

“Why not?” asked the snake.

“Because you can’t hold your drink.”

As my sister relaxed on the couch, her head comfortably leaning against the crook of her husband’s arm, her cell phone beeped.

She looked at her phone. It was a text message from her husband.

The message: "Please Move."